Conflicted

It is the middle of the night and I am lying in bed crying. I don't want to take this job. The thought of running out of time and being forced to take this job terrifies me. Why did I even apply for it?  Why did I call back and take the interview after purposefully missing the call to set up the interview twice? Didn't I know from the beginning that I don't want this job? I don't think it is the right job and it feels like giving up, moving backwards, and short changing myself. Am I really not confident that I can get a good job that is at least a start towards my goals? How can I doubt myself this much? I feel like it would be dumb to turn down a job offer without a back up, but it also seems dumb to accept a job when the thought of it has made me cry at least twice in the last 36 hours. I am just so conflicted. I know what I want. Why shouldn't I fight to let myself have that? Isn't it worth the risk? What if I don't get it? Now all I feel is anxious and sad.