Temptation and Regret

Why do I always manage to sabatage my own efforts? I have heard arguments that your body will crave what it needs, but what about when it craves what it doesn't need or what it is used to? Tonight, I made a bad decision, followed by some good ones. While I did do a good job of improving my decisions and moving on, I don't want to live making reactionary choices, but rather the right choice the first time.

Tonight, for some reason I can't figure out now, I bought a frozen pizza and TWO packs of different little debbie treats. I ate half the box of one, a quarter to a third of the other and half the pizza. I realized that I was too full after the second slice of pizza, but I forced myself to finish it and another slice. This doesn't make sense to me. I did great during the day, to distroy my efforts in the evening. I threw out the remainder of everything. I don't want to be tempted with it tomorrow, so now it is in the trash. To try to help the situation, I am going to do an extra workout tomorrow and not give up on this lifestyle.

I know I can do this, but I don't know why I find it so hard. Why is it that even when I know what the right decision is, I make the wrong one?

What are my motivations for chaging my life? I want to be more confident and accepted. I think I have a chance to start over in grad school. I want to be more popular. I want to be loved.

Do I think that someone must be skinny to have any of those? No. So, why do I feel that losing weight will assist me? I know that it is good for me to lose weight. I tell myself I don't have that much to lose, but I want to lose about 45-50 lbs. Thats a lot. Do I think it is not achievable? No. Do I think I can do it with hardwork? Yes.

Maybe when I figure out my true motivations, it will become easier...

Saturday Update

Today, I was on a mission to go on a bike ride. I got my bike out and BOTH tires were flat. (My roommate had warned me that the air leaks from the tires when you don't use your bike for a while. Maybe that will have to be my excuse to use it on a more frequent basis. I don't want another day of trying to get those tires in working order.) In effort to fill the tires with air, I nearly broke my back getting my bike into my little Honda Accord. I think I tried putting it 10 different ways. Once I got one that I thought would work, I drove it to the gas station. After fiddling with the air compressor to get it to work, I finally filled my front tire and then the back. I looked back at the front and it needed some more air. Then I noticed it was completely flat again. UGH! So I stuff my bike back into my car and drive home. Now I still have a nonfunctional bike, but I WANT to go on this bike ride. Its a wonderfully sunny day in Florida. I have a right to go on this bike ride. I get my bike upside down and take off the front wheel. I look for a place to buy a new tire tube. I can't find a place to buy a new tube for my tire so I put the whole wheel in my car and drive to the bike shop. They fix up my tire and I head back home. Next, I wrestle with the bike to get the tire back on around the break. It wasn't this hard to get the thing off, but it was deflated then. I get it on, grab a bottle of water and I ride off. There was just enough time left before sunset to get my ride in. It was nice. (By nice I mean - the hills were exhausting, and I was out of breathe for most of the ride, but I got home in one piece.) 5K. I feel great that I did that today. I also have managed to not ruin my diet. I rediscovered the beauty of edamame. Yum!

I feel good for the day. I am going to do just as well tomorrow! I think I will ride my bike to work in the morning. :) It's a double shift, so Ill also take an apple for my break.

Feelin good today. I can get used to this.

:P

In the Beginning...

As a 23 year old graduating from college in a couple months, it seems odd to call this the beginning. There has been so much in my life that has shaped me into who I am, but now is when I decide who I will become. Reflecting on the past is necessary for growth, but so is looking to the future. That is exactly what I plan to do now.

Since sometime in high school, I have been overly aware and disapproving of my weight. It has waxed and waned in intensity, but it has been there. I remember feeling really good about myself as I graduated high school. I worked all year to get into a bikini. It is an amazing bikini. I still have it. Three years later, I had gained weight, but managed to lose most of it. Once again, I felt pretty good about myself. I looked good. It is two more years down the line and I am back at my high weight. I want what I used to have, but more importantly, I want to stop the cyclical nature of my weight.

I have felt this way for a while, thinking about it often. Today, I began to do something about it. This is the last beginning. I am going to find my right size. Hopefully, in the process I will also discover who I am and who I want to be.

I know that starting back down this road is the right path. I just need to keep going and not turn back.

My current plan is to feed my body - not my habbit, emotions, or bordom. I also want to live an active life.

For now, I will make some future goals and some short term goals. Each week, I will make new short term goals and evaluate if I accomplished the last weeks and why. I need to learn from each week. I need to grow (and shrink! lol).

Long Term Goal: Feel good about my lifestyle, eating habits, and appearance by the start of grad school in August/September.

Week Goal: Only eat when hungry. Manage portion sizes. Eat breakfast every morning. Exercise often. Come up with something I like about myself each day.